Author Archives: El Guapo

The last time I had a good dose of summer heat was during a fuckin’ 114 degree heatwave in Brooklyn NY. The smog would stay in your skin as dust. I picked exactly that day to wear a backpack with khaki pants since I didn’t really own any shorts. All I had was those tennis coach shorts which with my six pack having turned into a little hipster belly, would have made me look like a child molester, or at best, some sort of sex offender. So Khakis it was! Anyways, I walked for hours in this heat and got such a bad rash in my crotch that I had to buy baby powder and apply it in the bathroom of every McDonalds I passed by. True story. This Solidisco song is the only summer heat that I can stand yo…

Guap. Out.

Every time I think of the name Hypercolor I imagine some hippie in a tyedye shirt and some sort of neon green shorts with really bright sunglasses on. If these guys don’t look like that in real life I’m gonna be pissed. Isn’t hypercolor that shit that changes color in different temperatures? I used to own some shirt like that during my awkward teen stage in high school but then my friends kept fuckin’ pouring water on me to make it change color. Well they would claim that’s what they would do it for but realistically they were just bullying me and I should have kicked the shit out of them. But I was a nice guy.  So I slept with their girlfriends a little while down the road as revenge instead. Anyways, seeing as these guys have 6o followers on soundcloud, I am guessing it’s because they got deleted during the great record label soundcloud purge over the past while,  or they’re just mad slept on. Either way, go give em a like and listen to the song you sexy hamsters.

Guap. Out.

One of the sentences here is “do you like it with the lights down low”. Welp, that reminds me of a time when I was a young lad and I was like, hey sure I can turn the lights down!  The thing is, when the lights are low, I have THE worst depth perception. So I turn down the lights and I get on top of the foolish woman that had the bravery to get into my bed. As she goes to take off her bra she kinda lifts up her back off the bed, at the same time as I am going down to kiss her. The problem here is, I was moving way too fast yo. I ended up smashing her nose with my forehead so hard she got a bleeding nose. The champ didn’t let that stop her though!!! And she will forever have a special spot in my heart because of this. Check out this track. I really fuckin dig it. WOLFE is a beast and he teamed up with t-mass and Emma Sameth  to bring us this gem here.

GUAP> OUT>

when it comes to singing, normally I can’t stand processed vocals. I hate hate hate on em hard all the time. People cry submitting the wrong shit to me. But once in a while, there is a song about having something in the ol’ pocket and it’s done in some weirdly cool way. I checked what I keep in my pocket. An empty cocaine baggy, 6 receipts for McDonalds, a half opened extra small condom (things spiralled downwards quickly during a date), my bank card and a business card from a hooker. Check out The Nicholas and San Holo on this record here.

Guap. Out.

Last time I heard a girl tell me she is going to take it all I ended up losing my house, my car and my 2 kids. So at first glance of this title I winced and thought to those macaroni and cheese eating days, renting out a basement suite under a Cantonese family who sounded like they were in a perpetual domestic dispute, when in reality they were just talking normally to each other and were always happy. Well, check out this song by Tom Bull and Bianca

Guap. Out.

I am an avid cat fan. You know why? Because cats don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves. There is something special when you get the affection of a cat. Especially when it’s a cat that hates almost everyone else. Also, cats will eat your fucking face if you die. Starting with the eyes, lips and nose. That’s a cool factoid!

Midi Jones “Kats”

Guap. Out.

If this is what “Lunch With Bianca” fuckin looks like, then forget all the other lunches I’ve had in the past while. I mean, sometimes breakfast looks like this but seldom lunch. My last lunch with a woman looked something like this…

I jumped on Tinder and swiped on some artsy chick, and BOOM omfg I got a match that ISN’T a woman in her 50’s looking for “the right guy, a real gent who will travel the world with me” ( aka a local trollop looking for a free vacation ). So anyways, I am like, let’s go out for lunch! We picked some shitty hipster-food riddled hole in the wall where they serve “organic” and a bunch of other lies to you on a plate made of locally sourced slave labour. Here I am, holding down the …whatever the fuck was on my plate. Some leaves and a homeless man’s spit for dressing…  And you know what, I think to myself, this girl, she’s great! She has an amazing body, her voice isn’t Fran Drescher, I don’t want to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP every time she tries to wax poetic about some stupid observation on life, that I already know about, and most likely put in the “fuck it” pile. I could get used to this! I was starting to feel like I could have a naked ass breakfast with her after a long night of showing her just how little I am emotionally involved in her. I was starting to fantasize about how I can tune her out while watching TV when I am in my late 40s and she would just put up with it like a total champ! This girl is a fuckin’ angel! She’s floating right now wow!!

Then she turned out to be a Trump / Hillary supporter and I really quickly excused myself to the bathroom, through which I proceeded to make a hooker escape exit, quickly unmatching her and never being seen within a mile radius of her stupid ass again.  But on the up side, Sachi put out this EP! So you should listen to it!

And here is the full EP

Guap. Out.

There is just something special about good chill pop friendly music. You can do almost any activity to it. Today I put on this new Kaptan single and defrosted my chicken that I got at the market, cut some veggies and pretended to have my life together. Then I fucked up by making a decaf coffee and thus reminding myself of just how horribly I’ve spun out of control with my health. I look like a goddamn pear with hairy legs. I’m like a middle aged pear left in the sun a little long yo!! And I have a laptop hipster hunch… If I were any taller, I would have this little belly and gangly arms, lookin like fuckin’ Grover from sesame street. Anyhoo, Kaptan is cool and has a mustache and looks like a well groomed logger’s son. I can only imagine the amount of women and men throwing their panties his way as sings on a stage made of fresh cut pine.

Guap. Out.

I love that it’s finally happening. White people are starting to learn about the fact that you can put a snare on more than just a 2 and 4 in a drum pattern!! White people, you are definitely making strides yo! Stoked for us here! Simple things like, make it so that this song can get plays in North America, and who knows, maybe leads to a little more open mindedness overall? Now I’m just reaching…

Either way, thanks Tilka for being not crappy with the tunes.

Follow: tilka-music